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(, il/lui, iel/iels)

When I first was introduced to the prospect that people are not always cisgender, I was absolutely confused more than anything else. Trans people around me would describe how they experienced gender, and I would mull it over for a long time--how could they be trans if they described feeling exactly like I did, and I wasn't trans? Isn't that just how everybody felt?

I was talking about this with my first queer therapist at the time, and she invited me to consider: how did I know what gender I was?

All of a sudden, things changed for me. Trans folks were no longer other people living separate lives, completely distinct from mine--I was a trans person myself!

At first, this was terrifying, to be honest. I had been given a whole road map to follow for my life as a person assigned female at birth, and suddenly I was realizing that a lot of those things weren't guarantees--in fact, they were actually entirely optional.

This kept happening for me as I got more involved in my local trans community. All of the rules in my life that I had clung to for so long started seeming less absolute, less restrictive, and more like something I could CHOOSE to take or leave based on what I wanted to give structure in my life.

There was always something within me that I couldn't quite reach, which makes sense in hindsight because once I came to recognize identity--in all forms--outside of my home, an entire world of opportunity opened before me. My perspective became much more optimistic, and as I settled in, I felt that innate passion to be a part of a community--something bigger than myself. That's when I knew that I was meant to live authentically, as a transgender man, and find like-minded people; stand behind and beside them, and take up the space I deserve.

(iel/iels, il/lui)

The first time I knew I was going to be ok as a trans man was when I came out to friends in high school, and they supported me.

At 10 years old (1980) I identified with male characters and actors.

(il/lui, iel/iels)

The first time I could really see my future as a trans masculine person was when I finally had a network of queer providers, be it doctors or barbers, who validated my experience and made me feel safe to be myself. It was like seeing a light in all the darkness

As a young teen, I started to figure out something wasn't right, but I couldn't figure out what. At 20, I figured out something wasn't wrong... I just hadn't figured out what was right for me yet. I followed trans creators but never realized that that could be me, too; that there was no difference between us. I saw myself then as being a man in the future.

(Xe/Xem/Xyr, iel/iels, il/lui)

When I found the first things mentioning nonbinary gender(s) and/or lack thereof on Tumblr in 2010, and learned, being educated by the community who generously shared so much. I finally found people who had the same experiences as me and were at odds with "being a girl/woman." I wasn't alone? And it had an explanation. I found myself in those blog posts, shimmering like a mirror to a future I could finally behold. I came out to myself in 2012, and out to the public in 2014 as a genderqueer trans masculine person / nonbinary before finding i was also a trans man by around 2016.

I didn't wake up one morning and realize I was trans, but I did wake up one morning and realize I couldn't wear the costume anymore. I looked over at my partner and they assured me that they had my back regardless and that the chosen family we had built would do the same. Knowing that I had support and not just allies, but folks who would love me and protect me (physically and emotionally) helped me be brave enough to drop the mask.

(iel/iels, il/lui)

For me, it was starting testosterone. I hadn't imagined I could "successfully pull off" being a trans man out in the real world because everyone would be able to tell I was "faking it." Listening to my own voice drop over the next few months was a huge game-changer. My personal style changed and evolved, I grew to love my voice, and I felt joy in my body for the first time ever.

(il/lui, iel/iels)

When I started joining online transmasc spaces, I started seeing these older transmascs/trans men in their forties, fifties, sixties — there was one man who had started T at 63, I think, and it brought tears to my eyes to know I could grow up to be the old man I dreamed of.

(il/lui, iel/iels)

Honestly, I didn’t realize it at the time, but it was in Elementary school when I would pretend to be Sam, because Sam could be anyone, and to me that meant I could be the nonbinary boy I didn’t get to be in regular life. It was my opportunity to imagine a world where I could be trans without knowing that’s what I was doing.

I think the first moment I could see my future as a transman is an expansive question. Maybe, it could have been my first interaction with a fellow queer person, the first name I picked, my first trans rights rally, or my first T shot. All have left different and expansive feelings. But, they all gave me hope that I was being me again.

(il/lui, iel/iels)

I struggled with seeing my own face as that of a man for the better part of two years after coming out; for a long time, I could only see a woman and I eventually reached a point where my face in the mirror just looked like a nondescript person to me.

One day, my partner gave me a hug and I happened to be facing a small mirror on the wall. There, hugging my partner with a big grin on my face, was the first time I looked up and saw a man in the mirror. It was the first time that I felt like my transition was really going somewhere.

Being able to see myself as a man has filled in some of the blank spots in my future. It is easier to imagine a life moving forward when I feel like myself in my own dreams.

When I was a kid, I longed for short hair. This was met with hesitation, but I got what I wanted a few times. Still, though, it didn't feel right. It took me years to figure out why.

The cuts were always styled for "girls"or "women."Even as a queer person that didn't fit me. Fast forward to 2018 - I had been questioning my gender identity when I took the plunge and made an appointment at a gender-inclusive salon. It's hard enough for me to find someone who can style my curly hair much less in a gender-affirming way but I lucked out big time. Looking in the mirror after the cut almost made me cry because for the first time I felt like myself. I later came across the term trans masculine which fit, well, to a T.

(il/lui, iel/iels)

Before bed one night when I was cat-sitting for a friend and was alone in their apartment, I connected to my higher self. I shared with them that I was in a space where I could start healing. I requested content withheld from me (traumas, discoveries, learnings) to please be revealed, so I could start working with it.

I went to bed as a nonbinary person. I woke up the next day with some stark realizations, realizations that my gender was FAR more masculine than I had been aware of until this point.

I suddenly realized I needed to consider getting top surgery, look up the process for changing my name (I had a feminine-presenting name at the time), add he/him to my pronouns, and that as soon as I got home I needed to donate some clothing that no longer represented me.

It became clear that if I was going to be true to myself and progress spiritually, I needed to make some uncomfortable decisions that my family and friends might not initially understand- in order to become visibly transmasculine.

(il/lui, iel/iels)

I began to explore understanding how to feel more present in my body on a day to day basis.

i was 13 when i realized i was trans. i did not come out to family, i was outed when i was 15. my maternal grandfather told me he'd always support me no matter what, even if the rest of the family didn't (luckily, it was only my mother and father who didn't). that one act of support made me hopeful. he took me shopping for men's clothes that winter when he visited. it really meant a lot to me.

(il/lui, iel/iels)

I was so uncomfortable in my own skin for 25 years before I figured it out. Why did I always want to be a boy? I was in the military for a short time before a foot injury led to being discharged, but I'm thankful for that experience because I met the person who helped me kick-start my coming out and transitioning. I saw him taking the steps to become his authentic self, and it was then I realized that I could do the same. So I took the first step. This was almost 7 years ago now. Don't give up.

(il/lui, Tous pronoms)

I like to say that I transitioned before Laverne Cox was on the cover of TIME magazine, and before Caitlyn made her Vogue cover-- in other words, before the Trans Tipping Point. (=And let's just say it: the transmasculine tipping point hasn't happened yet.) I was fortunate enough to meet two trans men in an activist group (helping Survivors of Sexualized Violence) and, through their openness and vulnerability, I was able to envision a path for myself.

The first moment I saw myself as a trans man is when I saw The Phantom from Phantom of the opera. He described my bipolar and schizophrenia so well. I named myself after him. Erik is alive.

My first college class that I entered, out as a man but not legally so, and gave the professor my name, and she took it in perfect stride. I thought to myself that maybe things were going to be okay- and here they are!

As a child, I never questioned the way others presented themselves freely, but I would always questioned the way I presented myself and how I didn’t feel connected femininity until I became in touch with my masculinity.

My gender journey was very difficult when it began - I was still a child when I realized something wasn't right. I hit puberty early and genetics did not do me well in the chest zone - it was like I was blindsided and betrayed by my own body. I spent most of my youth miserable trying to fit into boxes that didn't work for me and once I came out as a teenager having my transness doubted by the rigid standards of passing as male. I saw my future on two occasions - first in college once I was able to untangle myself from the shackles of binary gender and the roles attached. I realized that I had to fight for and be myself and what that looked like for me was not being a binary man but whatever felt right. The hardest part was recognizing that this is *my* body to change into what I want it to be not anyone else's to decide what is or isn't good enough. The second occasion was when I was finally recovering from top surgery just a year ago from writing this. That surgery was the best thing to ever happen to me - it honestly wasn't even an explosive beautiful moment of joy. It was just finally normal. Like the sun coming out after the longest rain shower.

I was always corrected by my family for being too masculine. If I were born a boy I would have been the family's pride and joy. I left home at 16 (in the 1990s) and was able to live as my true self. It wasn't until the past decade that I even understood that there was a term for who I am. As I have immersed myself in the community I have become more comfortable with the label. There was no one "Aha! Moment" only a gradual growing into myself that enabled me to put aside my fears of gatekeepers and embrace who I am.

Attending Sarah Lawrence College I was surrounded by confident beautiful trans people including many transmasculine nonbinary people. Watching people move through the world with joy and acceptance helped me see that as a possibility for myself.

I hadn't even told anyone that I was starting to think that I was trans at 21 years old. I went to an American Eagle outlet store and dared to grab two t-shirts and two pairs of jeans from the guy's section--my first time ever being brave enough to shop on the other side of the store. When I tried them on in the dressing room and saw myself in the mirror dressed as a boy for the first time it was like years of crushing depression and angst just floated away--I didn't see a specific future for myself but I did finally see the potential to have a future.

I was biking for the delivery job I had at the time. It was summer and I had taped my chest so I could wear my shirt open. Feeling the air on my skin. The rowdy boyhood I had almost denied myself surged through my veins. If I let that child free to explore maybe I could grow up to feel whole.

The first moment I clearly remember being able to see my full future as a transmasc person was the day after my top surgery. For the first time I felt truly and completely myself. I have never been happier and every day is better than the last now that I get to fully live in my body as myself.

When I first left my home country where it's a criminal offense to be queer/trans with more emerging bills limiting our existence & presentation.

If I had known at the time I was supposed to remember it I would have.

I had a buddy of mine over dinner casually say "yeah I think you're trans". I had never even thought that was a possibility. I knew I didn't feel female. But I didn't know I could be a male.

(Pas de pronoms)

It was following an interaction with a stranger on an elevator my second year on testosterone. We rode up 26 floors in silence. As I was exiting the elevator he said take it easy, brother. It struck me in that moment that I was for all intents and purposes just a dude which felt exceedingly validating.

I knew I was different as a kid but I never saw my future as a trans man until I was 30 y/o and I decided to escape my abusive marriage and live my truth.

The first time I saw myself as a trans masculine person was as a child. I would wear these overalls all the time and as I grew up I continued to feel the most happiness when rebelling against what I was expected to wear.

(il/lui, iel/iels)

I had a session with my healer who had me go DEEP. She shared with me that as young as the third trimester in the womb of my mother I made the choice to be born female at birth to become a trans non-binary man. That's when I knew the truth. Before that I was going back and forth and denying or doubting. From that moment onwards when I connected to the fetus version of myself I knew for sure I am a non-binary trans man.

His name was Steve Dain. It was 1976. He was on television being interviewed about fighting to keep his teaching job because he had transitioned from female to male. The year prior he had been named California's Teacher of the Year. But he was calm self-confident articulate and so clear about who he was as a man. And at that moment I knew it was possible: I too could become the man I knew I was.

When I was in high school there was only one trans person a trans man. He was a grade older than me but I was lucky enough to take a psych class that he was in. I knew he existed but all I knew about him was what others would say. I knew his dead name more than I knew his name but once I learned his name the memory faded quickly. I was so shy and awkward in that early stage where you're not out to anyone but you know internally what the future holds. I wasn't doing well at that point but seeing him in class gave me a future to head towards. Looking back I think he could tell that we were alike I just hadn't found my voice yet. He always had a hard shell that I soon developed but was beyond kind to me. He was the 1st in a line of trans elders who helped me see that when I was ready there were mentors who would help me find myself. I came out as a teenager because I knew if I did I would be okay just like he was. I knew that trans people especially men existed and if I lost everything by revealing my truth I wouldn't be alone.

(, il/lui, iel/iels)

When I first was introduced to the prospect that people are not always cisgender, I was absolutely confused more than anything else. Trans people around me would describe how they experienced gender, and I would mull it over for a long time--how could they be trans if they described feeling exactly like I did, and I wasn't trans? Isn't that just how everybody felt?

I was talking about this with my first queer therapist at the time, and she invited me to consider: how did I know what gender I was?

All of a sudden, things changed for me. Trans folks were no longer other people living separate lives, completely distinct from mine--I was a trans person myself!

At first, this was terrifying, to be honest. I had been given a whole road map to follow for my life as a person assigned female at birth, and suddenly I was realizing that a lot of those things weren't guarantees--in fact, they were actually entirely optional.

This kept happening for me as I got more involved in my local trans community. All of the rules in my life that I had clung to for so long started seeming less absolute, less restrictive, and more like something I could CHOOSE to take or leave based on what I wanted to give structure in my life.

There was always something within me that I couldn't quite reach, which makes sense in hindsight because once I came to recognize identity--in all forms--outside of my home, an entire world of opportunity opened before me. My perspective became much more optimistic, and as I settled in, I felt that innate passion to be a part of a community--something bigger than myself. That's when I knew that I was meant to live authentically, as a transgender man, and find like-minded people; stand behind and beside them, and take up the space I deserve.

(iel/iels, il/lui)

The first time I knew I was going to be ok as a trans man was when I came out to friends in high school, and they supported me.

At 10 years old (1980) I identified with male characters and actors.

(il/lui, iel/iels)

The first time I could really see my future as a trans masculine person was when I finally had a network of queer providers, be it doctors or barbers, who validated my experience and made me feel safe to be myself. It was like seeing a light in all the darkness

As a young teen, I started to figure out something wasn't right, but I couldn't figure out what. At 20, I figured out something wasn't wrong... I just hadn't figured out what was right for me yet. I followed trans creators but never realized that that could be me, too; that there was no difference between us. I saw myself then as being a man in the future.

(Xe/Xem/Xyr, iel/iels, il/lui)

When I found the first things mentioning nonbinary gender(s) and/or lack thereof on Tumblr in 2010, and learned, being educated by the community who generously shared so much. I finally found people who had the same experiences as me and were at odds with "being a girl/woman." I wasn't alone? And it had an explanation. I found myself in those blog posts, shimmering like a mirror to a future I could finally behold. I came out to myself in 2012, and out to the public in 2014 as a genderqueer trans masculine person / nonbinary before finding i was also a trans man by around 2016.

I didn't wake up one morning and realize I was trans, but I did wake up one morning and realize I couldn't wear the costume anymore. I looked over at my partner and they assured me that they had my back regardless and that the chosen family we had built would do the same. Knowing that I had support and not just allies, but folks who would love me and protect me (physically and emotionally) helped me be brave enough to drop the mask.

(iel/iels, il/lui)

For me, it was starting testosterone. I hadn't imagined I could "successfully pull off" being a trans man out in the real world because everyone would be able to tell I was "faking it." Listening to my own voice drop over the next few months was a huge game-changer. My personal style changed and evolved, I grew to love my voice, and I felt joy in my body for the first time ever.

(il/lui, iel/iels)

When I started joining online transmasc spaces, I started seeing these older transmascs/trans men in their forties, fifties, sixties — there was one man who had started T at 63, I think, and it brought tears to my eyes to know I could grow up to be the old man I dreamed of.

(il/lui, iel/iels)

Honestly, I didn’t realize it at the time, but it was in Elementary school when I would pretend to be Sam, because Sam could be anyone, and to me that meant I could be the nonbinary boy I didn’t get to be in regular life. It was my opportunity to imagine a world where I could be trans without knowing that’s what I was doing.

I think the first moment I could see my future as a transman is an expansive question. Maybe, it could have been my first interaction with a fellow queer person, the first name I picked, my first trans rights rally, or my first T shot. All have left different and expansive feelings. But, they all gave me hope that I was being me again.

(il/lui, iel/iels)

I struggled with seeing my own face as that of a man for the better part of two years after coming out; for a long time, I could only see a woman and I eventually reached a point where my face in the mirror just looked like a nondescript person to me.

One day, my partner gave me a hug and I happened to be facing a small mirror on the wall. There, hugging my partner with a big grin on my face, was the first time I looked up and saw a man in the mirror. It was the first time that I felt like my transition was really going somewhere.

Being able to see myself as a man has filled in some of the blank spots in my future. It is easier to imagine a life moving forward when I feel like myself in my own dreams.

When I was a kid, I longed for short hair. This was met with hesitation, but I got what I wanted a few times. Still, though, it didn't feel right. It took me years to figure out why.

The cuts were always styled for "girls"or "women."Even as a queer person that didn't fit me. Fast forward to 2018 - I had been questioning my gender identity when I took the plunge and made an appointment at a gender-inclusive salon. It's hard enough for me to find someone who can style my curly hair much less in a gender-affirming way but I lucked out big time. Looking in the mirror after the cut almost made me cry because for the first time I felt like myself. I later came across the term trans masculine which fit, well, to a T.

(il/lui, iel/iels)

Before bed one night when I was cat-sitting for a friend and was alone in their apartment, I connected to my higher self. I shared with them that I was in a space where I could start healing. I requested content withheld from me (traumas, discoveries, learnings) to please be revealed, so I could start working with it.

I went to bed as a nonbinary person. I woke up the next day with some stark realizations, realizations that my gender was FAR more masculine than I had been aware of until this point.

I suddenly realized I needed to consider getting top surgery, look up the process for changing my name (I had a feminine-presenting name at the time), add he/him to my pronouns, and that as soon as I got home I needed to donate some clothing that no longer represented me.

It became clear that if I was going to be true to myself and progress spiritually, I needed to make some uncomfortable decisions that my family and friends might not initially understand- in order to become visibly transmasculine.

(il/lui, iel/iels)

I began to explore understanding how to feel more present in my body on a day to day basis.

i was 13 when i realized i was trans. i did not come out to family, i was outed when i was 15. my maternal grandfather told me he'd always support me no matter what, even if the rest of the family didn't (luckily, it was only my mother and father who didn't). that one act of support made me hopeful. he took me shopping for men's clothes that winter when he visited. it really meant a lot to me.

(il/lui, iel/iels)

I was so uncomfortable in my own skin for 25 years before I figured it out. Why did I always want to be a boy? I was in the military for a short time before a foot injury led to being discharged, but I'm thankful for that experience because I met the person who helped me kick-start my coming out and transitioning. I saw him taking the steps to become his authentic self, and it was then I realized that I could do the same. So I took the first step. This was almost 7 years ago now. Don't give up.

(il/lui, Tous pronoms)

I like to say that I transitioned before Laverne Cox was on the cover of TIME magazine, and before Caitlyn made her Vogue cover-- in other words, before the Trans Tipping Point. (=And let's just say it: the transmasculine tipping point hasn't happened yet.) I was fortunate enough to meet two trans men in an activist group (helping Survivors of Sexualized Violence) and, through their openness and vulnerability, I was able to envision a path for myself.

The first moment I saw myself as a trans man is when I saw The Phantom from Phantom of the opera. He described my bipolar and schizophrenia so well. I named myself after him. Erik is alive.

My first college class that I entered, out as a man but not legally so, and gave the professor my name, and she took it in perfect stride. I thought to myself that maybe things were going to be okay- and here they are!

As a child, I never questioned the way others presented themselves freely, but I would always questioned the way I presented myself and how I didn’t feel connected femininity until I became in touch with my masculinity.

My gender journey was very difficult when it began - I was still a child when I realized something wasn't right. I hit puberty early and genetics did not do me well in the chest zone - it was like I was blindsided and betrayed by my own body. I spent most of my youth miserable trying to fit into boxes that didn't work for me and once I came out as a teenager having my transness doubted by the rigid standards of passing as male. I saw my future on two occasions - first in college once I was able to untangle myself from the shackles of binary gender and the roles attached. I realized that I had to fight for and be myself and what that looked like for me was not being a binary man but whatever felt right. The hardest part was recognizing that this is *my* body to change into what I want it to be not anyone else's to decide what is or isn't good enough. The second occasion was when I was finally recovering from top surgery just a year ago from writing this. That surgery was the best thing to ever happen to me - it honestly wasn't even an explosive beautiful moment of joy. It was just finally normal. Like the sun coming out after the longest rain shower.

I was always corrected by my family for being too masculine. If I were born a boy I would have been the family's pride and joy. I left home at 16 (in the 1990s) and was able to live as my true self. It wasn't until the past decade that I even understood that there was a term for who I am. As I have immersed myself in the community I have become more comfortable with the label. There was no one "Aha! Moment" only a gradual growing into myself that enabled me to put aside my fears of gatekeepers and embrace who I am.

Attending Sarah Lawrence College I was surrounded by confident beautiful trans people including many transmasculine nonbinary people. Watching people move through the world with joy and acceptance helped me see that as a possibility for myself.

I hadn't even told anyone that I was starting to think that I was trans at 21 years old. I went to an American Eagle outlet store and dared to grab two t-shirts and two pairs of jeans from the guy's section--my first time ever being brave enough to shop on the other side of the store. When I tried them on in the dressing room and saw myself in the mirror dressed as a boy for the first time it was like years of crushing depression and angst just floated away--I didn't see a specific future for myself but I did finally see the potential to have a future.

I was biking for the delivery job I had at the time. It was summer and I had taped my chest so I could wear my shirt open. Feeling the air on my skin. The rowdy boyhood I had almost denied myself surged through my veins. If I let that child free to explore maybe I could grow up to feel whole.

The first moment I clearly remember being able to see my full future as a transmasc person was the day after my top surgery. For the first time I felt truly and completely myself. I have never been happier and every day is better than the last now that I get to fully live in my body as myself.

When I first left my home country where it's a criminal offense to be queer/trans with more emerging bills limiting our existence & presentation.

If I had known at the time I was supposed to remember it I would have.

I had a buddy of mine over dinner casually say "yeah I think you're trans". I had never even thought that was a possibility. I knew I didn't feel female. But I didn't know I could be a male.

(Pas de pronoms)

It was following an interaction with a stranger on an elevator my second year on testosterone. We rode up 26 floors in silence. As I was exiting the elevator he said take it easy, brother. It struck me in that moment that I was for all intents and purposes just a dude which felt exceedingly validating.

I knew I was different as a kid but I never saw my future as a trans man until I was 30 y/o and I decided to escape my abusive marriage and live my truth.

The first time I saw myself as a trans masculine person was as a child. I would wear these overalls all the time and as I grew up I continued to feel the most happiness when rebelling against what I was expected to wear.

(il/lui, iel/iels)

I had a session with my healer who had me go DEEP. She shared with me that as young as the third trimester in the womb of my mother I made the choice to be born female at birth to become a trans non-binary man. That's when I knew the truth. Before that I was going back and forth and denying or doubting. From that moment onwards when I connected to the fetus version of myself I knew for sure I am a non-binary trans man.

His name was Steve Dain. It was 1976. He was on television being interviewed about fighting to keep his teaching job because he had transitioned from female to male. The year prior he had been named California's Teacher of the Year. But he was calm self-confident articulate and so clear about who he was as a man. And at that moment I knew it was possible: I too could become the man I knew I was.

When I was in high school there was only one trans person a trans man. He was a grade older than me but I was lucky enough to take a psych class that he was in. I knew he existed but all I knew about him was what others would say. I knew his dead name more than I knew his name but once I learned his name the memory faded quickly. I was so shy and awkward in that early stage where you're not out to anyone but you know internally what the future holds. I wasn't doing well at that point but seeing him in class gave me a future to head towards. Looking back I think he could tell that we were alike I just hadn't found my voice yet. He always had a hard shell that I soon developed but was beyond kind to me. He was the 1st in a line of trans elders who helped me see that when I was ready there were mentors who would help me find myself. I came out as a teenager because I knew if I did I would be okay just like he was. I knew that trans people especially men existed and if I lost everything by revealing my truth I wouldn't be alone.

Dessin de personnage par Joey Borrelli.