Trans Masc + Disabled + Proud

There was always something within me that I couldn't quite reach, which makes sense in hindsight because once I came to recognize identity--in all forms--outside of my home, an entire world of opportunity opened before me. My perspective became much more optimistic, and as I settled in, I felt that innate passion to be a part of a community--something bigger than myself. That's when I knew that I was meant to live authentically, as a transgender man, and find like-minded people; stand behind and beside them, and take up the space I deserve.

The first time I could really see my future as a trans masculine person was when I finally had a network of queer providers, be it doctors or barbers, who validated my experience and made me feel safe to be myself. It was like seeing a light in all the darkness

I didn't wake up one morning and realize I was trans, but I did wake up one morning and realize I couldn't wear the costume anymore. I looked over at my partner and they assured me that they had my back regardless and that the chosen family we had built would do the same. Knowing that I had support and not just allies, but folks who would love me and protect me (physically and emotionally) helped me be brave enough to drop the mask.

Honestly, I didn’t realize it at the time, but it was in Elementary school when I would pretend to be Sam, because Sam could be anyone, and to me that meant I could be the nonbinary boy I didn’t get to be in regular life. It was my opportunity to imagine a world where I could be trans without knowing that’s what I was doing.

When I was a kid, I longed for short hair. This was met with hesitation, but I got what I wanted a few times. Still, though, it didn't feel right. It took me years to figure out why.

The cuts were always styled for "girls"or "women."Even as a queer person that didn't fit me. Fast forward to 2018 - I had been questioning my gender identity when I took the plunge and made an appointment at a gender-inclusive salon. It's hard enough for me to find someone who can style my curly hair much less in a gender-affirming way but I lucked out big time. Looking in the mirror after the cut almost made me cry because for the first time I felt like myself. I later came across the term trans masculine which fit, well, to a T.

i was 13 when i realized i was trans. i did not come out to family, i was outed when i was 15. my maternal grandfather told me he'd always support me no matter what, even if the rest of the family didn't (luckily, it was only my mother and father who didn't). that one act of support made me hopeful. he took me shopping for men's clothes that winter when he visited. it really meant a lot to me.

The first moment I saw myself as a trans man is when I saw The Phantom from Phantom of the opera. He described my bipolar and schizophrenia so well. I named myself after him. Erik is alive.

My gender journey was very difficult when it began - I was still a child when I realized something wasn't right. I hit puberty early and genetics did not do me well in the chest zone - it was like I was blindsided and betrayed by my own body. I spent most of my youth miserable trying to fit into boxes that didn't work for me and once I came out as a teenager having my transness doubted by the rigid standards of passing as male. I saw my future on two occasions - first in college once I was able to untangle myself from the shackles of binary gender and the roles attached. I realized that I had to fight for and be myself and what that looked like for me was not being a binary man but whatever felt right. The hardest part was recognizing that this is *my* body to change into what I want it to be not anyone else's to decide what is or isn't good enough. The second occasion was when I was finally recovering from top surgery just a year ago from writing this. That surgery was the best thing to ever happen to me - it honestly wasn't even an explosive beautiful moment of joy. It was just finally normal. Like the sun coming out after the longest rain shower.

I hadn't even told anyone that I was starting to think that I was trans at 21 years old. I went to an American Eagle outlet store and dared to grab two t-shirts and two pairs of jeans from the guy's section--my first time ever being brave enough to shop on the other side of the store. When I tried them on in the dressing room and saw myself in the mirror dressed as a boy for the first time it was like years of crushing depression and angst just floated away--I didn't see a specific future for myself but I did finally see the potential to have a future.

When I first left my home country where it's a criminal offense to be queer/trans with more emerging bills limiting our existence & presentation.

It was following an interaction with a stranger on an elevator my second year on testosterone. We rode up 26 floors in silence. As I was exiting the elevator he said take it easy, brother. It struck me in that moment that I was for all intents and purposes just a dude which felt exceedingly validating.

The first time I saw myself as a trans masculine person was as a child. I would wear these overalls all the time and as I grew up I continued to feel the most happiness when rebelling against what I was expected to wear.

When I was in high school there was only one trans person a trans man. He was a grade older than me but I was lucky enough to take a psych class that he was in. I knew he existed but all I knew about him was what others would say. I knew his dead name more than I knew his name but once I learned his name the memory faded quickly. I was so shy and awkward in that early stage where you're not out to anyone but you know internally what the future holds. I wasn't doing well at that point but seeing him in class gave me a future to head towards. Looking back I think he could tell that we were alike I just hadn't found my voice yet. He always had a hard shell that I soon developed but was beyond kind to me. He was the 1st in a line of trans elders who helped me see that when I was ready there were mentors who would help me find myself. I came out as a teenager because I knew if I did I would be okay just like he was. I knew that trans people especially men existed and if I lost everything by revealing my truth I wouldn't be alone.